1. Hiya! So, my cousin, the one usually asking the questions? Well, she’s otherwise indisposed in another country and so I’ve been tapped to sit down with you. Don’t worry, not only am I a journalism major but I’ve done this before. I’m pretty sure it was something pinstriped, a sweater maybe? Anywho, let’s get started, shall we? If you could accouter yourself, what items would you choose?
Well… Hmm… Well… Okay, time out for second? I actually talked to a friend which was actually the Fausto Puglisi, tartan, bomber jacket that you interviewed — not a sweater at all and definitely not pinstriped. Anyway, I was told that no matter what I do I shouldn’t do a sit down if you’re the one asking the questions. The instructions were tonally emphatic. I mean, I don’t know you and I hate to judge based on another’s assessment but I’m kind of going through some things and being sent over the edge is quite possibly the last thing I need. I’m so sorry.
Are we still on the time out?
Okay. Well, that was then and I was going through some things too but this is now and I’m fine. You of all things should be a little more understanding but hey, we can’t all come into existence with a kind soul.
Well, I guess a few innocent questions can’t hurt. Maybe it’ll get my mind off of everything?
1. That’s the spirit! Now, as I was asking, what accoutrements would you choose to complete your look?
2. Beautiful! Great taste! If you could exist during any time period besides now, what would it be?
The late nineties, the period of the baguette, little compact numbers that snuggled up on the shoulder. Fendi had the vice grip on that particular trend. Dior was there to represent as well. And I think Gucci? Also, let us not forget Canal street if you know what I’m sayin’. I’d wink but… Anyway, remember? The nineties baguette?
3. I was just a wee one but I’ll take your word for it. If you could be carried by anyone, whom would it be?
I’m going to catch hell for this but I’m a fan of the hands-free woman. Something about a woman who, at most, needs only a delicate credit card/ID holder out in the world for hours on end I simply find sexy
4. Interesting. Do you think that’s why you like her so much, because she doesn’t need you, frankly, doesn’t even want you?
Gosh… I never really thought about it like that but I guess, yeah, maybe that’s why. But what does that mean? That has to be bad, right, to want the person who doesn’t even know you’re there?
5. Well, it can’t be good. Mainly because ultimately you should want to be held by someone who wants to hold you. If not, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of chasing a carrot you’ll never be able to tame. And what if one day she gets her hands on you — let’s say, you’re given to her as a gift. An exquisite gift, obviously — who’s to say you won’t sit in the closet day in day out, hoping, waiting for a day that’ll never come? Believe me, that’ll get old very fast. The glossy sheen of the unattainable is the most worthless one there is. Have you ever thought of yourself as a masochist?
What are those?
6. Basically, you get off on being treated horribly. Have you ever felt that sensation?
No. Hell no. That would make me crazy and pathetic.
7. There’s no need to be so harsh. Let me rephrase. Do you sometimes feel unworthy?
If I’m being completely honest, yes. I know it makes no sense since I’m an “It” bag, well covered in the coveted department, everyone wants me, to have me hanging from your arm, in some circles, makes you appear better than the rest. Maybe that’s just it; what you see on the outside isn’t at all what’s happening on the inside. It’s not who I am at my core. Oh god, I feel like such a fraud. These poor women are out there thinking they’re carrying around something robust and commanding and in charge but in the end it’s simply lost.
8. Okay, this is going in the opposite direction of what I’d hoped and so let’s switch course altogether. What is something you like about yourself?
Hmmm… Let me think… Well, I’ve got layers. Yeah, I’ve got things to say, deep thoughts, opinions even. Like, why don’t men carry purses? There you go. It makes no sense. You’ve slapped a gender gap on the ability to transport items to and fro. Call me crazy and no shade, of course, but I highly doubt the nineties, Fendi baguette is having such thoughts. Dior discussing gender gaps? I think not! The differences between the sexes are being debated on Canal street, the valley of bootleg dreams? Yeah, right! God, I feel so alive! The Puglisi has no idea what it’s talking about!
9. See there?! You’ve got depth. You’re not just another depot for stuff. You’re much, much more than some staycation for wallets and scarves and leather, initial engraved notebooks and phones filled with pictures of you and him and a lock of his hair and state-of-the-art binoculars and night vision goggles and a key to his place that he has no idea you still have and a black bodysuit and a ski mask and a pair of tabi boots, the same ones actual ninjas wear, and a blueprint of his loft that shows all the hollow points behind the walls just in case you might need a place to hold up for a while and a container filled with peanuts and bees because apparently the new girl’s violently allergic to both and lastly, the jar of collected tears that if poured onto a flat surface would definitely spell out the Brenda Walsh classic, “WE WERE SO THERE!” See?! You’re so much more! How do you feel now?!